The Bay Gull

Last week, the Stony Brook University Campus Bookstore unveiled a brand new “so-called revolutionary” food product, the “Big Bar.” Unlike other nutrition, granola, or Elf Bars, the Big Bar reportedly contains an entire day’s worth of food. “It contains enough nutrients to substitute Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, and you'll never need to snack again,” says the Director of Awesome Food Products at the Campus Bookstore (DAFPCB). When asked why the nutrition label says, “May include trace amounts of Uranium-235," the DAFPCB replied "Gulp.” First-time buyers of the product were treated to an extended warranty, just in case. 

A Stony Brook No Life Student, who refused to identify themselves, commented on the Big Bar. “Man, this [Big Bar] thing is sensational! I have back-to-back to back-to-back classes every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, which leaves me no time to eat throughout the day. I used to sprint back and forth between the Halal truck and the library. Now, I can take one bite of this and I am suspiciously full! This is an absolute game changer.” 

The same student interrupted another interview to share a “food hack.” “I was so full of energy goodness, I compulsively jammed the end of my Big Bar into my phone- and it actually started charging! In just under three minutes, my phone battery not only charged fully, it said it was at 150%!”

The campus bookstore originally listed their creation at a chill $6.99, but due to the doubled demand for the Big Bar (from 1 to 2 people), the price has increased to $(20*6.99). The DAFPCB initially claimed this price hike was due to “inflation,” but after doing some research on what inflation is, the Director walked back their response, saying, “What are you talking about, I know what inflation is—this is not that. Demand for our awesome product has increased by 2000%!” With consumers being anxious to try out the Big Bar, the Bookstore commented that “everyone should come in and try the Big Bar before it’s too late.”