The Bay Gull

With the return of the spring semester, many students anticipate a lot of schoolwork, pulling all-nighters, and hanging out with friends. What no one expected was for Chad Wallace to go missing. Junior Chad Wallace, the has-been president of the Gaslighting Club, hasn’t made his signature appearance on campus yet.

“It’s weird,” Marley Mojang, a leopard print and denim-wearing junior double majoring in Astrophysics and Gender Studies reports. “He’s almost always in class, strumming his guitar. Not hearing that or his ranting about how Bobby the Bay Gull should’ve stayed the school mascot is weird. I miss him.” His sudden disappearance has left everyone on campus wondering, “Where In The World is Chad Wallace?” 

When questioning his friends and fellow club members about Wallace’s location, they were all confused. “What are you talking about? Chad’s at Jasmine right now,” says Ralph Jenson, Treasurer of the Gaslighting Club. Veronica Waldo, also the club’s Treasurer, echoes a similar statement. “Are you blind? He’s at Roth Cafe. Might want to get your eyes checked out, toots.”

Holmes Smith, the Secretary of the Gaslighting Club claims he saw him two minutes ago in the library reading Toni Morrison while also asking us why we think there is a gaslighting club on campus. “I’ve never heard of that club before, nor was Chad in Jasmine. He hates that place,” explains Smith.

We tried to ask Lilith Jones-Breaker, the club’s Vice President, though she denies ever being the Vice President. “Why would I be Vice President of a club that doesn’t even exist?” She told us. “Besides, Chad’s at Smith Haven Mall. He cuts class almost every day.”

Wanting some clarity, we at The Bay Gull reached out to Chad Wallace’s younger brother Brian Wallace. In the midst of pouring a glass of mescal, Brian explained to us a change in his brother. He explains that lately Chad’s aura has been more of a mauve than a pink, he wasn’t quoting feminist literature anymore, his mental health was plummeting, and he lost his sparkling whimsy. “He even stopped shopping at SHEIN! He loves that store! I’ve never seen him so lost,” Brian explained. He then assured us that Chad is safe and hanging out in Stony Brook University's USG office.

In related news, Stony Brook University had prepared to buy out all local hotels in order to convert them into dorms due to a sudden influx of students, but stopped all funding due to mysterious music coming from the buildings at 3:00 AM. Workers claim the hotels are haunted, while others are confused why the only song being played is an acoustic version of  “California Dreamin” by The Mamas and The Papas.