The Bay Gull

At 7:51 am, local fish, turtles, and early- rising students reportedly saw a Sea Monster emerge from the depths of Roth Pond. Witnesses described the monster as approximately three double-decker buses, or 150 X-Small packages tall, bipedal, and blue. As the monster stood up, it used its water spouts to shoot powerful torrents of water all around the Roth Quad—and into the Roth Mailroom. According to an anonymous tip, some guy named Greg left the mailroom window open. Allyson Fleurette, a double major in business and being a baddie, was expecting a package this morning while the sea monster arose from the pond. “Yeah, I'm just in shock. I was right outside Roth when it happened. I am soaked! My mascara is running as fast as I do  to Crumbl Cookie. You’re telling me no one was able to stop that monster before it destroyed my package? What the hell? I can’t even tell what I ordered anymore; it's just a big blob of wet financial ruin, kind of like me, lol.”

Another student who wished to remain anonymous said he wished he had known about the Sea Monster emergence sooner. “Come on, we have the Corq app, you’re telling me they couldn’t have announced the event beforehand? I wouldn’t have ordered half of the parts for my very expensive PC knowing that this was going to happen. What a weird time to have an event too–I feel like no one is awake that early.”

We caught up with one of the mailroom workers, who was just showing up for their shift when they witnessed the sea monster demolish the mailroom. “Thankfully, no one was seriously hurt, just a couple people died on impact. The real casualty was the mailroom. The students get their packages sent here every day, it was a part of their routines! And there were so many packages lost. I don’t think the school will ever be the same after this.” When we asked about this guy named Greg who left the window open, the worker replied, “Greg? I'm Greg. Who said it was me? Was it Bill? Hey Bill, if you’re reading this, go f*** yourself. This is a tragedy.”

In an address to the university, President-Elect Goldsmith announced that, like the floods that affected move-in last fall, all incoming packages will be given their own Hilton Guest rooms, and anyone who wants to access their package will have to check in at the hotel to retrieve the room key.