Students Angered by This Year’s Candidates for the Turkey Pardon
Demands have been made to stop the tradition in the name of justice
Holiday
Political
Dodo
December 23, 2024
The bay gull will always be our favorite bird, but this time of year, one of its distant cousins, turkeys, has the spotlight. Thanksgiving is on its way, and mass turkey hunts have begun. And so have preparations for the annual National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation.
At this ceremony, out of all of the turkeys slated to be dinner, one is chosen to live. The candidates are usually chosen from the National Turkey Federation (NTF) list of recommendations and are supposed to be kept hidden until right before the ceremony. However, recently that list has been leaked, and many Stony Brook students were shocked to find out all candidates have committed major felonies.
“I couldn’t believe it when I first saw it,” said Jennifer, a freshman student. “All of the candidates are so... they couldn’t find one turkey who just hired some spies or something?” Before this year, turkeys who were pardoned had only committed minor crimes like drug possession or lying on background checks. This year, some of the candidates’ tamer crimes include serial assault and bribery of government officials.
“One of the NTF turkeys tried to overturn an election in my home state,” said an anonymous student. “Then the turkey tried to give my dad hush money so he wouldn’t write an article about it. We can’t just pardon something like that.”
Outraged by the candidates’ crimes, a small group of students started a movement on the dark web known as Get Our Birds Locked (GOBL). The goal of this movement is to protest the National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation in hopes of stopping the tradition.
“If we let one of these crazy turkeys go free, it will set a precedent,” said an anonymous member of GOBL. “Next thing you know, they’ll start letting dodos go free!”
The GOBL movement has quickly gained traction over the past few weeks, and the people who know of it have started to wonder if the ceremony will still take place at the White House this year, or if it will be canceled entirely. The government has yet to acknowledge the GOBL movement. As Thanksgiving draws closer, we will keep you updated as the situation develops.