The Bay Gull

Spring Semester is in full swing here at Stony Brook University. Thousands of students, sick of being sick with mystery illnesses at home alongside their families, were excited to come back. But a few students have come forward to The Bay Gull with slightly concerning complaints about school so far this semester. These are their stories.

Marcus Martindale, a sophomore Biology major, told us about the weather. “I have slipped, four times. Four. Times. I am so sick of this northeast winter weather!” When asked where he was from, expecting him to say something along the lines of “Florida,” Marcus revealed to us that he is from South New Jersey. When we asked him if he thought New Jersey wasn’t a part of the northeast, Marcus replied, “I don’t get paid to know geography!” For the record, Marcus is unemployed and literally makes no income at all, so we have no idea why he said that. 

Rachel Elder, a senior Environmental Studies major, said that her dorm has a weird smell now. “I mean, I didn’t want to say anything, but I think one of my roommates stayed through the winter. I don’t want to be mean, but it really smells in there. Maybe it’s that litter box that wasn’t there when I left, or that mysterious stained cage in the corner–wait, did she catnap a campus cat?” We recommended that she find out about that and come back to us later.

Our last interview, who we thought was just blowing us off, finally showed up complaining about their flight. Tyler Milroe, a freshman Computer Science major told us between gasps, “This is serious guys, I just ran here from the woods–our plane crashed! What the f*** is going on? I’m gonna be late to class because of this!” We sent Tyler on his way. He seemed a bit too hysteric about his long flight from West Apartments to give a reasonable interview. I mean what does he expect, planes landing on time and safely? What year is this, 2024? 

Anyway, we’re so happy for the spring semester to start up once again! Every semester comes with new challenges, like adjusting to living at a public university. So if you, yes you, were wondering if things are just a little worse this semester, we know.