The Bay Gull

With a rise in e-scooter sightings in recent years, a question as old as time has resurfaced: Are scooterers or cyclists better for our transportational road- and sidewalk- bound ecosystem?

After speaking to anyone other than someone who spends time on a scooter, you will find, just as we here at The Bay Gull did, that the answer is a very obvious yes. Upon further inquiry, it becomes painfully clear why.

According to the National Two Wheel Association of Western West Virginia, scooter riders are nearly the most disruptive demographic of people on two wheels on the roads and sidewalks in the world. Second only to those who choose to ride two unicycles at the same time. 

Cyclists (specifically bi and tri, seeing as the general consensus on quadricycles is that they are slightly less than useless) are repeatedly touted as friendly, adventurous, polite, and up for a good challenge. 

In contrast, the sheer gall and audacity it takes to be seen in the vicinity of a scooter strikes most pedestrians and other road-goers as obnoxious. Moreover, studies show that when seen clad with riding gloves, goggles, a helmet, and a bag that is clearly too large to carry whatever it is people carry to a computer science class whilst riding a scooter, is downright preposterous and also, embarrassing.

Travelers who prefer to go by foot (who happen to be most numerous in places where scooter riding is still a ubiquitous problem) have often been quoted describing scooter riders with words like “arrogant,” “clumsy,” “whiny,” and, by sheer simultaneity only akin to the alignment of the stars, every single person out of the thousands we spoke to or interviewed had these exact words to say: “I am embarrassed to share the roads with such selfish, insolent people who choose to live pernicious lives for those around them.” 

This is also true in the professional sector. “Expert” losers, or scooterers as they are more commonly known, are the laughingstock of the professional sports community. Thomas Bach, head of the International Olympic Committee (IOC), the body responsible for the organization of the Olympics, has been rumored to have stated the following for years: “Scooters in the Olympics? Never. They can't even get into the X-Games. And they consider aggressive inline skating a sport. Who names a sport like that? I chuckle every time I think about it [chuckles]. The last time I saw someone do anything impressive on a scooter was never. They belong in the hands of little boys and little girls at playgrounds, or the obnoxious teens trying to prove themselves different by taking up space on scooters, in playgrounds. Whenever I see some poor college student going down the street on a scooter with a bag that is clearly too large to carry whatever it is one might carry to a computer science class, I cringe.”

The worst part is that even scooter riders know they are trying to bail out the Titanic with caviar spoons. An in-depth analysis reveals that only 7% of Americans are dumb enough to invest in such an industry. Of that figure, only 3% use their scooters more than once a week. 

Evidently, scooters don't deserve space on our streets. Because they suck and I hate them