The Bay Gull

Last fall, Wolfie was suspended for his role in a hazing incident at SBU’s Eta Omicron Epsilon (HOE) fraternity. Wolfie was suspended from his role as school mascot for multiple weeks until his replacement, Bobby Bay Gull, was torn to shreds at the homecoming game. This left the administration with no choice but to reinstate the seawolf. Now, Wolfie’s career is looking better than ever.  

Stony Brook University mascot, Wolfie Seawolf, was appointed by the incoming President of Stony Brook University to lead the newly-established, non-university department WOOF to combat the rise of hazing at Stony Brook University. However, WOOF has started to take it upon themselves to make budget cuts at the publicly funded university.

We asked Wolfie over Instagram messages what WOOF stands for, just to clear up some confusion. Wolfie said, “Grr… Bark! Bark!..ruff ruff ruff.” He has such a way with words.

The unprecedented role of a non-university department holding any amount of power on the grounds of SBU gathered major criticism. 

The College Libertarians Club reached out to us to give their take on WOOF. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hear them over the Lady Gaga music coming from my air pods. It might have been about magicians or something. Perhaps the libertarians aren’t on the same page yet, and we should come back to them later. 

Students and faculty made their voices heard last month after WOOF reported a significant rise in hazing incidents in their records, from zero to one. This was WOOF’s only reported finding of hazing this winter and every time we looked into it the numbers seemed to look a little different. Ironically, the incident occurred at Eta Omicron Epsilon over the break. According to a local neighborhood watch group, members of the fraternity allegedly made their pledges dissolve aid programs for developing countries around the world. 

According to several sources on the matter, Wolfie instructed his quickly-formed department to “go easy on [HOE],” as he wished he had a more pleasant experience being prosecuted. A spokesperson from the office of Wolfie Seawolf at the Let’s Go Seawolves! Front Desk of the Paw’s Up! We Out Here division at the Department of Anti-Hazing told The Bay Gull, “Wolfie understands us. Although it’s easy to get riled up and make a mistake, it shouldn’t lead to the discipline we have received from them [Stony Brook University]. We think that their approach to solving the problem is clearly not working, WOOF says hazing went up 100% since January, and we should look to leaders like Wolfie who know what it’s like to deal with the endless inconveniences of bureaucracy so that we can end those once and for all.” When we asked what they thought about any possible overreach in power by making decisions on the budget, the spokesperson replied, ”Well, I’m sure no one is really going to miss those little things anyways. Was anyone really attending that finance club?” 

One of the earliest impacts made by WOOF so far was cutting the budget for the Gaslighting Club. Since club president Chad Powers is still missing, we reached out to their interim president to give a comment. “Ever since WOOF cut our budget, all of our Gas Light Street Lamps™ have gone out because we can’t afford the oil to power them anymore. The streets have been plunged into darkness. We can’t even afford the surprise party for Chad! How else are we to lure him from the hotels if we can’t afford Temu jewelry or SHEIN perfume?”

We asked the incoming Stony Brook President what she thinks of her appointees' approach. “Well, I don’t start my new position until the fall, so I can’t give an official position on Wolfie’s approach until then, but what I will say is I am so happy to be here! And I will make Stony Brook University great again! Sorry, the power went to my head a little bit.”